Cultural Genocide? No, it’s the Fabric of Life silly.

this is a piece i am currently working on. IT NEEDS WORK, i know. please give feedback…

The road system currently under construction by the Israelis in occupied Palestine, deemed the “Fabric of Life” by it’s creators, is based on separation and land appropriation and is only the newest step in that dance in the madhouse of what the Israeli state perpetuates against the Palestinian people.
Just over 17 miles long, Highway 443 sits as an example of this new and deceptively pretty approach within the Israeli paradigm that results in land acquisition, further erosion of Palestinian society’s ability for self-sustaining their livelihood, the possibility of a future contiguous state and peace in the area.
443 runs as the main thoroughfare connecting the Israeli settlement of Modi’in with Jerusalem and Tel Aviv and serves as a secondary roadway connecting the Tel Aviv area and Jerusalem. Reportedly built during the British mandate on stolen Palestinian land using forced and unpaid Palestinian labor, 443 was widened prior to September 2000 by annexing even more private Palestinian land for expansion into a 4-lane highway. At the time, Israel maintained that the road expansion would create ease of movement for the local population who of course would have access to the road.
Contrary to this promise, 443 has now become prohibited to Palestinian use, including foot or car traffic on the more then 8 miles that actually lie within the West Bank (and hence on the most recently stolen Palestinian land). Until 2002, 443 was the main artery between the urban center of Ramallah and the city’s’s surrounding villages to the southwest. For the past 7 years, the majority of roads accessing 443 from the Palestinian villages on either side have been blocked with concrete barriers. These blockades now cause a journey that in the past took mere minutes to take up to an hour due to the single lane, winding and poor conditioned roads. These longer and more cumbersome routes are left for the over 35,000 local Palestinian residents of these surrounding villages to reach the hospital, schools, and markets and for the more mundane daily existence needs of socializing and shopping.
Because 443 bisects the route from these villages to Ramallah, tunnels exist in order to facilitate Palestinian movement without having to utilize 443 itself. This seperation creates a multi-layered road system based on what ID card one holds (and really only those that are Jewish holders being what’s important to the creators of this road system). Again, 443 becomes only an example of this new road system of two layer roads popping up across the West Bank. In most cases, these new roads leave the Israeli- and settler-only roads on top while the roads created for Palestinian use are underneath and utilize an intricate system of tunnels and walled corridors to make the separation complete. These secondary roads built by the Israelis for the local Palestinian population has resulted in even more land confiscation from Palestinians and has cost approximately $44.5 million USD.
According to United Nations Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs (OCHA), over 200 miles of main roads in the West Bank are forbidden or restricted to vehicles bearing Palestinian license plates.
Ironically termed ‘Fabric of Life’ by the Israeli planners, these roads, built to circumvent the expanding system of Israeli-only roads in the West Bank, further create a reality of Palestinian invisibility to their Israeli occupiers thus allowing the perpetrators to not be bothered by having to witness the effects of their oppressive system.
Like so much in the reality of Israel’s occupation of Palestine, Israel has chalked the need for a separate road system built on Palestinian lands within the West Bank to security needs and fear of the Palestinian population, while completely ignoring the effect and inconveniences of these new roads for the local population on whose backs the roads have been built.
And although Israel is doing a good job at making even these new Palestinian roads look good by paving them where there used to only stand pot-holed streets, the fact remains that the Israelis have and are making unilateral decisions on where and how and who can use this entire new system of roads.
If this isn’t apartheid, what is? And if these practices don’t lead to cultural destruction, what does?
But really it’s only the Fabric of Life, right?

As Israel Celebrates, We Remember Al Nakba

During these days of Israel’s 60th anniversary celebration, it is important to remember on whose blood and backs this celebration comes.

Below is a piece from Electronic Intifada…

“Sixty years ago in Battir, my small hillside village near Jerusalem, I witnessed the chaotic collapse of the British Mandate administration in Palestine and the beginning of the Nakba.”
http://electronicintifada.net/v2/article9496.shtml

Iraqi LGBT Under Threat

(http://iraqilgbtuk.blogspot.com/)

Three Iraq safe houses forced to close

No funds to pay rent or utility bills

30 gay people left to fend for themselves

London and Baghdad – 6 November 2007

Three out of five gay safe houses in Iraq are closing down, due to a lack of funds to pay their rent and utility bills.

The refuges were set up two years ago, to provide a place of safety for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (lgbt) Iraqis who have fled homophobic threats and attempts to kill them by religious fundamentalists and death squads.

“Iraqi lgbt has made a huge effort to keep all of its five safe houses running, to provide refuge for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender Iraqis who have fled homophobic violence and threats to kill them,” said Ali Hili, founder and coordinator of the human rights group, Iraqi lgbt.

“Many of the people we helped have been targeted by the Iraqi police and by Shia militia and other fundamentalist factions.

“Because of a lack of funds, three safe houses have had to close their doors. This decision will break a lot of hearts, but we have no other choice. We don’t have the financial support to sustain these refuges.

“Over 30 gay residents who we cared for in these three safe houses now have to take their chances in a country where religious militia regularly seek out gays and execute them.

“Several months ago, two lesbians working with Iraqi lgbt were assassinated in the safe house they were running in Najaf, along with a young boy the women had rescued from the sex industry.

“We feel deserted by the international gay community. Few people seem to care about our fate.

“Many brave lgbt Iraqis assisted our efforts. We would like to acknowledge their exceptional commitment.

“Sabah, Gada, Sana and Mona are four lesbians who dedicated their time and energy to provide food, cleaning and support to people in the safe houses in their area. We’d also like to thank Hasan , Safa , Jawad, Laith , Gasaq and Rami,” said Mr Hilli.

“The world has let us down so badly,” said Sabah, a 29 year old lesbian, who worked as a carer and ran a safe house in the south of Iraq.

“Nowadays, we don’t dare be seen in the neighbourhoods where we used to live. It is too dangerous for anyone known to be gay or to have had a homosexual past,” said Safa, a gay man in the city of Ammara, where he has been hiding for the last eight months from the police and Shia death squads. Safa fled his hometown of Najaf because he was known to be gay and feared assassination.

“Iraqi lgbt is doing amazing, heroic work,” said Peter Tatchell of the UK-based lgbt organisation, OutRage!

“It’s members inside Iraq are taking huge personal risks to protect the victims of homophobic persecution. Their efforts are truly inspirational. I urge the international lgbt community to rally round and raise the funds needed to sustain the remaining two safe houses. Please give generously,” he urged.

Meanwhile, Iraqi lgbt blames the western invasion and occupation of their country for unleashing religious fanaticism and causing the current homophobic killing spree:

“Much of the world failed to oppose the invasion of Iraq in 2003 and to prevent what has turned out to be the worst western intervention catastrophe in modern history,” added Mr Hili.

“The Iraqi gay community feels badly let down in our moment of need.

“Are gay people in the United States, Britain and Australia aware of what their governments have done to our country? Their armies invaded and occupied our land, destroyed the infrastructure of government, and created the chaos and lawlessness that has allowed religious fundamentalism to flourish and to terrorise woman and gay people.”

“Violence against gays has intensified sharply since late 2005, when Iraq’s leading Shiite Muslim cleric, Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, issued a fatwa, or religious decree, which declared that gays and lesbians should be ‘killed in the worst, most severe way possible.’

“Since then, lgbt people have been specifically targeted by the Madhi Army, the militia of fundamentalist Shia cleric, Muqtada al-Sadr, as well as by the Badr organisation and other Shia death squads. Badr is the military arm of the Supreme Council for Islamic Revolution in Iraq, which is one of the leading political forces in Baghdad’s western-backed ruling coalition,” said Mr Hili

Can you make a donation to help Iraqi lgbt sustain its magnificent efforts?

The UK-based gay human rights group OutRage! is working with Iraqi LGBT to support its work. Iraqi LGBT is coordinated by Ali Hili from the safety of London UK. The group does not have its own bank account. Operating an Iraqi LGBT bank account in Baghdad would be suicide. For this reason, it has to operate its finances from London. All the group’s members in London are Iraqi refugees seeking asylum. Their lack of proper legal status makes it difficult for them to open a bank account in the UK. This is why Iraqi LGBT is asking that cheques be made payable to “OutRage!”, with a cover note marked “For Iraqi LGBT”, and sent to OutRage!, PO Box 17816, London SW14 8WT, England, UK. OutRage! then forwards the donations received to Ali Hili and Iraqi LGBT for wire transfer to activists in Baghdad.

More information:

Ali Hili 079 819 594 53 (from abroad +44 79 819 594 53)

Blog: http://iraqilgbtuk.blogspot.com/

Email: iraqilgbt@yahoo.co.uk

Photos of some of the LGBT victims are available here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/outrage/sets/72157600042494571/

NB: Sorry, we do not have high resolution versions.

END.

Migrant Hunger Strike, Melilla, Spain

(roughly translated from spanish http://melillafronterasur.blogspot.com/)

Nearly 200 migrants from Bangladesh and India have declared indefinite hunger strike in the Spanish enclave of Melilla.

The demands are simple and clear: The migrants want to know what is their situation and the future that awaits them after two years’ detention in the CETI migrant holding center of the Melilla. The Majority of these migrants began the journey from their respective countries over  four years  ago.

For five months these citizens of Bangladesh and India have slept in shacks in remote areas outside the CETI center in order to avoid the nightime arrests and deportations that occur in the center. Their physical and psychological situation is an absolute insecurity and has worsened in recent months as other inmates of various nationalities have been moved to the mainland, with none of the migrants of Bangladesh and India being given the same safe haven.

Currently, the Melilla CETI holding center population of inmates reaches 90% from Bangladesh and India.

At the end of 2007 a petition holding 1,500 signatures from citizens of Melilla was submitted to the Government in order to encourage a simple audience for the migrants with the Government of Melilla.  As of today this petition has recieved no response.

The internal hunger strikers, only seem to want to talk and not lose the opportunity to do so with any citizen who passes through the vicinity. The theme is always the same: the migrants want to tell you about their families last seen 4 years ago who are waiting for a better life in their country, of the desperation of their wives who have to work to feed them, hunger, disease, the lack of freedoms of the people who have died during the voyage.

A journey through which they have not been considered human beings in any of its stages.

Again Melilla, EU territory.

Spanish/Moroccan border photo essay online

Here is a link to a project i was working on at the spanish/moroccan border concerning the border itself and then of course the migrants affected by it. please take a look and pass it around. critiques and criticisms are always welcome.

Melilla (A photo essay) 

This portfolio is part of a bigger project focused on the look of borders become manifest, the look of the land and the people when the arbitrary line in the sand takes form. These shots were taken from Melilla, Spain, a Spanish enclave cut off from the north of Morocco by a militarized and deadly triple layer 10ft high structure. Migrants travel for 4,5,6 years to reach this side of the line only to be held in migrant detention centers, some for years, awaiting the legal to system to either award them papers or deport them to where they started out from so many years ago and worked so hard (and many died) to get away from.

http://www.lightstalkers.org/galleries/slideshow/9398

I am currently in Tel Aviv having once again come here to check in with friends, update on the current situation and continue the anti-occupation/documentation work I started here years ago. Not surprisingly, I am having some difficulties with the Israeli Authorities who have officially locked me out of the West Bank. I am a stubborn soul though and am determined to get there. Wish me luck.

My love to you all,

 

 

border blues (first and random thoughts)

i forget when far from these places how much i hate border areas. it brings out the worst in people, the vulture culture that i think is a result of people being seperated based on illusions of superiority, the haves and have nots. the places that people die to cross, the places where people are forced to be the subservient against the wall of the rich and coveted. it is something that exists everywhere, but borders seem the absolute meeting point. there is no disolve of the madness here, no time or space or other elements to help obscure the obviousness of the absolute extremes.

the world over, these borders are the same. gangs of kids that live in the streets (or in some cases like nogales arizona, literally under the streets) , folks forced to sell whatever they can (drugs, their bodies), folks inprisioned in camps for trying to cross these lines in the sand come manifest.

and always in certain ways i feel under attack in these places, preyed upon like in no other place in the world. i feel the madness of these extremes coming through in the way people treat me, treat eachother. i spent the past couple days walking around town with michael, a migrant from uganda. it took him over two years to reach this side of the border and has been in the camp three months now. he swam from morocco to here, which i’ve been told takes up to 7 hours in extremely cold water.

he told me the first day how people here treat him for his black skin, but i was shocked to see it first hand. young kids actually approach us and tell me to not walk with a black man, men look at us like they want to hurt us when we enter a cafe, and everyone looks at him in disgust as they pass him on the street. and of course this is not unique to border areas, but something i am not used to in such obvious honesty.

spent yesterday listening to the stories of men imprisioned in the melilla, spain migration detention camp. people spent years traveling across africa and the world to reach this spot and now have been sitting in this camp for over two years. so many of them spoke of how it feels to have lost these years of their lives. the men from bagledesh told me how their friends committed sucide upon deportation because of the shame of not suceeding to make it into europe in order to provide for their families. all of them told me of their wish not to have to leave their families, their homes, their countries and onlt have beacuse the situation in this world has forced them to. they all said in their home countries they will make less then 1$ a day.

it was hard to listen to their stories, their pleas for me to take their stories to the world, knowing what little power i have. really, what am i going to be able to do for these people in my small existence in the world?

on the way to the wall

September, 2006, found me at the US/Mexico border. I went there to begin a project I had had in mind for awhile concerning militarized borders.I went there thinking about structure and appearance, in terms of ‘a border become manifest’.

I’ve spent time in occupied Palestine over the last five years and watched as Israel’s Wall in the West Bank grew. I watched from the first of the groundbreaking in late 2002 until the spring of 2005, my most recent trip, as this monster called a ‘security barrier’ cut it’s way through the orchards and groves, through the villages and through the heart of the people.

I would stand at this structure or drive by in a taxi and think; we think ourselves so civilized, so mature in the world and yet these are the answers we come up with to solve what we see as a problem. The problems we don’t even understand because we are trying to blame it on those affected as opposed to seeing how we ourselves participate, create the problem, largely are the problem.
It struck me as awesome the state of mind of those who abuse power.

When I returned to the United States, I began to research borders and different situations around the world where ‘first world’ mentality created lines in the sand that took form, were deadly, and at the same time being crossed by those willing to die for what lie on the other side. I choose to focus on the US/Mexico border, Israel’s Wall in Palestine and the Spanish enclaves Ceuta and Melilla in the north of Morocco.

and finally after more then a year of talk, i have made it to andalucia, the south of spain, in sha’ allah, melilla and ceuta after some days. i have no idea where i will be staying, how things will unfold, what the situation will be like in getting the images i think i desire, or what in the world i will do with the images once i have them (to name a few).

so seems the pattern of my life and so once again i find myself at the edge of the unknown and diving in head first. we’ll see how it comes out…

In 2008, let’s squat fortress Europe!

On Friday the 11th and Saturday the 12th of April 2008, we call for two days of demonstration, direct action, public information, street-party, squatting… in defense of free spaces and for an anti-capitalist popular culture.

Through these two days, we want to help create more visibility of autonomous spaces and squats as a european/global political movement. We want to develop interconnections and solidarity between squats and autonomous spaces. We want to keep linking our spaces with new people and new struggles, and support the creation of autonomous spaces in places where there has not been a history of this kind of action. We want to build, step by step, our ability to overcome the wave of repression falling on us.We call for decentralized and autonomous actions of all kinds, depending on what people feel to be the most appropriate to their local context. You’ll find below the political content we wish to give to these two days.

We are everywhere…

For centuries, people have used squats and autonomous spaces, either urban or rural, to take control of their own lives. They are a tool, a tactic, a practice, and a way for people to live out their struggles. For decades, squat movements across Europe and beyond have fought capitalist development, contributing to local struggles against destruction; providing alternatives to profit-making and consumer culture; running social centres and participatory activities outside of the mainstream economy. Demonstrating the possibilities for self-organizing without hierarchy; creating international networks of exchange and solidarity. These networks have changed many lives, breaking out of social control and providing free spaces where people can live outside the norm.

Among other things, these places provide bases for meetings and projects, for the creation and distribution of subversive culture, for the non-monetary based exchange of goods, resources and knowledge, for experimenting with new ways of living, for collective debates, for recycling and construction, for agricultural activities, for the production of independent media.

Whether we speak of urban squats or of purchased land, of negotiated or re-appropriated rural land, of restored factories or self-built buildings, these spaces are refuges for rebels and outlaws, poor and homeless people, radical activists, illegal immigrants. Social centres are crucial to us as part of a movement for social change.

All over Europe,
repressive agendas are being pushed by governments

They are attacking long-standing autonomous spaces such as the Ungdomshuset in Copenhagen, Koepi and Rigaer Straße in Berlin, EKH in Vienna and Les Tanneries in Dijon, squatted social centres in London and Amsterdam, Ifanet in Thessaloniki, etc. In France, squats have become a priority target for the police after the anti-CPE movement and the wave of actions and riots that happened during the presidential elections period. In Germany, many autonomous spaces have been searched and attacked before the G8 summit. In Geneva and Barcelona, two old and big squatting “fortresses”, the authorities have decided to try to put an end to the movement. Whereas it is still possible to occupy empty buildings in some countries, it has already become a crime in some others. In the countryside, access to land is becoming harder and communes face increasing problems from legislation on hygiene, security and gentrification by the bourgeoisie and tourists. All over Europe, independent cultures are being threatened.

Several months ago we saw running battles in the streets of Copenhagen and actions everywhere in Europe in an explosion of anger at the eviction of the Ungdomshuset social centre. Since then, and with a few other big resistance stories that happened over the last months, we’ve managed to renew the meaning of international solidarity.

We are motivated by the same passions, we feel the same determination, face a common enemy in repression, and are united across borders by our desire to build a world of equality and self-determination. As unaligned and ungovernable islands of uncontrolled freedom we want to continue to act in solidarity, and strengthen our international links, no matter how many kilometres there are between us.

Issues beyond the actions

We also would like these days of actions to enable and inspire discussion, to demonstrate various possibilities & strategies, to be an occasion to share skills. These are some of the issues we would like to push:

• what do we expect from and understand by autonomous spaces? What is their rôle in the pursuit of radical social change? Where do they lie on the scale of ‘alternative’ to ‘confrontational’?
• share information on the range of activities that take place in autonomous social spaces along with ideas for how to make them work; question the production of goods and services; and encourage the exchange of knowledge particularly between the town and the countryside.
• share experiences, inspire each other, find out how others live collectively, and their activities, alternative economic exchange systems…
• share various ways of getting spaces all over europe: illegal occupations, Do It Yourself constructions, wagenburgs, buying collectively, free contracts…
• share practical resources and a feeling of solidarity between:
  • different users of autonomous spaces (either current or potential): co-operatives, people without papers, activists, travellers, immigrants, urbanites, rural dwellers, small farms;
  • different ways of using spaces; activities for the community, meeting area for groups, living spaces;
• enable the forming of common strategies when faced with state repression or eviction;

Who are we,
how can we collaborate on this project,
and make it happen?

At the moment, we are a group of people involved with various autonomous spaces around Europe, who decided to start discussing this call. We’ll meet various collectives in the coming months and see how people feel about this proposal for european days of action, and how they want to get involved. Its success depends a lot on our capacity to create a bigger international working group. This would mean everybody who wanted to take part into it would try to start discssing the idea in various spaces, creating and distributing some propaganda materials and networking information about what’s going on near them during those days. We would also like to organize a physical meeting about all this in the upcoming months. Get in touch!

Flyers

Here is the call, laid-out as an A4 flyer. Please download the PDF file, print it and spread it around squats and autonomous spaces in your area.

Getting in touch & helping out

Please get in touch, by writing to april2008 at squat dot net.

Any help with translations in whatever languages is greatly appreciated.

clearing my mind to the one who doesn´t care

this is something i told myself i would never write, but alas, here i sit writing it. Oh well. I know myself and i know that if it is rambling around in my brain in the way it is, the best thing to do is to get it out through writing. Whether it is the best thing to actually send it is another matter, but if you are reading it i guess i’ve said fuck it either way and sent it. None of us has ever said i was the most rational of all although i am feeling more rational these days then i have in awhile and you yourself aren’t even close to being the most rational, so whatever.

With my departure from berlin you and what arose between us there fell out of my brain, i stopped thinking about it, stopped feeling hurt and stopped feeling so angry at you. For some reason though in the past days it has resurfaced and is bugging the shit out of me. For the first time in years i can finally be present in my life without thinking of how and when you and i will meet and what will unfold, and so i certainly don’t want space taken up with my anger and frustration at what actually went down. And so the last few days have been driving me crazy that you have popped back into my mind and won’t leave me alone. Mostly the thoughts are focused on the things i didn’t say either for lack of my own empowerment or space that i felt was mutual and safe. And it frustrates me to think that you are out there happy and content without having to acknowledge how you treated me or what went down. Of course i am frustrated with myself for how i acted, i was coming from a place of severe disempowerment and fear and hurt, and acted out in ways that i am not proud of and hope in the future not to duplicate. The fact that you refuse to acknowledge your own actions or even admit to yourself or me that you had actions that were not the best pisses me off to no end. The fact that you couldn’t or wouldn’t even sit and talk with me, face to face, in order to respect our friendship and communicate the fact that you no longer wanted to find out what it would be like to share time with me was shit. I don’t need you to love me but the way you went about things wasn’t okay. And fine, i came to your place at 1am and yelled at you and i sent an angry sms, i take responsibility for this, but you’ve said yourself over the years that i am a person that is patient and forgives and so you should have understood that there were issues that needed to be addressed. Think over the years how many times i have told you i was hurt by your lack of communication, by your ability to just cut me out of your life without seeming to care and think about how each time i got over it and then tell me i am irrational and a bad person for ‘causing a scene’ because finally we were in the same town and you were totally shutting out me from day one without being willing to admit it. Above and beyond it all though, the thing that fucked me up the most was that you said you cannot feel safe with me in your home. Why? Because i refuse to let you hide behind the walls that allow you to just shut everyone out? Well, you finally figured out the way to get me to leave you alone; in my world one of the worst things that i could do is make someone i care about feel unsafe, so i walked away thinking ‘fuck. I make her feel unsafe. I am fucked.’ i came to realize though i didn’t feel safe with you, that for all this time i’ve felt manipulated by you, going back to that first night in bil’in when i said i didn’t want to be intimate with you and you sat in the corner and sulked until i gave in. and even you telling me i make you feel unsafe is a kind of manipulation designed to redirect having to look inside yourself. Do you think that your tactic of silence is really any different then my action of crossing a certain point and yelling? Just because you didn’t shout or raise your voice does not mean you aren’t being hurtful or creating situations of unsafety.

And yeah, i did not rush to your side when you were in jail in boston, but i certainly never deserted you. i was there for you in the best way i could have been at the time making myself available by mail and phone until i could make it across the country. But even all that, your journey to the states, really had nothing to do with me, but was all about what you wanted, when and how you wanted it. Even in that instance i was only informed by you how things would unfold, that you would come without wanting help for a visa and that you would come and spend three months in my home. I told you at the time i didn’t feel like i was a part of the process but was willing to support you anyway. But then when it comes to me crossing the ocean to find you, i have to eventually beg for a guest spot in your home because from the onset you told me i wasn’t welcome a space there and then i am treated like i am supposed to kiss your feet for being so kind as to offer me a place for a fucking week.

You treated me like shit. Like some random person that isn’t worth your time, like some foolish child that you feel doesn’t get it or isn’t cool enough. I understand that you don’t want to have any semblence of a ‘straight’ life, neither do i, but that has nothing to do with treating people the way you did me. It is in no way radical or revolutionary to think it’s okay to simply cut people out who haven’t hurt you without an explanation or with a fucking email to say ‘sorry, i don’t love you anymore’. Revolution, to me, includes radicalizing how we treat one another, it means stepping up to accept our behaviour and changing it in order to suit a radical world. And fuck you if you chaulk all this up to me giving you an ‘educational lecture’. You lost the ability to call me on that one two minutes after you followed up a similar reprimand by lecturing me.

So apologies for being boring and writing these words that you probably won’t ingest anyway. Someday when your ego is not so much in your face read it again and maybe you’ll get what i’m trying to say. For now though i’m sure it only pisses you off to no end and confirms your belief that i am out of control, causing a scene and fucked. Whatever. I don’t care anymore. Right now, it’s all about me, about making myself feel better and clearing my mind. And to that end, i will say don’t bother to reply. I am not interested to resume contact but am only being selfish and clearing my own mind.

So, i apologize for my errors in human interaction, i never claimed to be perfect though and i certainly never ran away from you without an explanation.

i’m glad you’re finding happiness in the world and folks that feel like family, i hope it suits you well and for the sake of folks you will encounter from here on out, i hope you learn some good things about how to treat people.

Kisses.

–flo

or perhaps it should be something more along the lines of:

i’m trying to figure out the best way to write this in order to clear my mind, get my point across and share some things with you that i feel you could stand to be reflected on yet to do it in a way that you will ingest it and not immediately turn off and disregard it because you chalk it up to a ‘lecture’. It’s a difficult balance to find. Especially assuming you just don’t care and won’t listen to what i have to say anyway unless it is me groveling at your feet.

I guess i’ll start with the obvious-i was quite hurt by our process in berlin. I was hurt by the fact that you didn’t feel it important to actually sit with me face to face and explain what was going on for you in relation to me. Everything else is secondary; my hurt that i was just supposed to accept your treatment of me (ie; lack of direct communication) without acting out or simply being brushed off as ‘making a scene’, my hurt that after all was said and done and i was trying to check in with you in order to get closure, you continued to feel the safety of your walls were more important then me as your friend, my hurt that in after all this time, you could simply brush me off as someone unimportant, treat me like i am not worth any type of process that lends itself to friendship and let me hang there in hurt without seeming to care. I do not feel i have treated you in this way over the years. even if i could not always immediately be there for you in person, i feel like i have always done my best to support you. i understand you have been hurt in life and probably have a lack of trust because of it, and that you don’t want reminders of that hurt in your life, but i think your practice of shutting people out without explanation or acknowledgement of possible injury is fucked and not okay. i do not feel that i have hurt you over the years to the extent that warrants you to need to cut me out as you did so you won’t be reminded of something (especially when i came there because it was mutually desired by us both). I am not the israeli army and i am not your family and for you to put me in the category of those things and shut me out totally disregards me as a person and is in no way radical or revolutionary.

I feel that you tested me by pushing me away until i reacted and then used that reaction to blame everything on me. I’ve come to realize i knew this was how things would unfold and was a fool to ignore that intuition and think things would be different. I think none of these years have been about me or even about ‘us’, but about you and what you needed in order to survive and feel loved and that it was something that was never meant to be actualized. It only existed to ease your soul when you were depressed and needed a life vest and as soon as you found some other way to not be so depressed i was no longer a needed entity. I have realized this for some time but always tried to quiet that voice in my head instead wanting to believe it was some magical friendship that would be revolutionary if only we could make it to the same town. The reality though is that as soon as it became apparent that i was unneeded you threw me away without seeming to care.

a bit too much anais

The first snow is falling. Somehow i don’t feel magical by it though-only
cold and looking to hibernate.
I often regret myself for moments lost in life, moments not seized or
lived as passionately as all possible. I have many such moments like this.
So many wasted to sleep and just letting the time pass for lack of
anything more interesting to do. I find so many of the people i encounter
do not impress me, don’t fill me with such interest that i can feel the
burn of their existence. What is wrong with me i wonder. That i must be
the boring one for being so bored by others, by lacking to see or feel the
excitement every breath of the way.
I think i am not living life to it’s fullest potential when i let two
hours pass by watching some mind numbing movie, when i don’t travel to
kosovo that is so close i could smell it. On the other hand, i think it is
a mark of improvement on my part that i do not run there simply because it
is a place of stress and underdogs, applaud myself in ways because i’ve
stuck to the task at hand instead of trying to fit in everything under the
sun. why then do i feel like a failure? Is that applause simply a
rationale for letting things slip past my grasp of personal experience?
I will be moving on the next leg of this journey after some days-to a
planning meeting at a squat in france for some international days of
action next year. Back into the west, for which i am not sure i am ready.
My options for travel consist of either catching a ride solo or putting
out a bunch of cash to travel ’safe’ and sound. My nerves cause me to
waver in my decision, between desire to remember my faith and openness in
this world and my fears of vulnerability and the unknown. The fear always
accompanies the journey, but somewhere along the way i let it take over so
that the comfort and safety had by money becomes an equally strong option.
I hope to begin this journey by thumb, that i may keep my fears healthy
but not all-powerful. I have the money, can spend it, but think a part of
my spirit will be diminished if that is the route i take without even
trying the other. I will allow the weather and a failed attempt on the
side of the road to empower me to take that bus without shame.
Do you ever feel that you’ve wasted a month of your life? A day? Perhaps
years? In certain ways, that is the impression i have of my time in
beograd. I did not seize this town for all it had to show me. Instead i
allowed myself to get bogged down in petty human interactions, allowed my
frustration to get the better of me and let time pass as if i am retired
of the adventure. I allowed myself to repeat mistakes of self and life i
have said i won’t repeat. Mistakes of who i continue to surround myself
with, mistakes of not feeling the fire of my life in this world, and
mistakes of letting the mundane into my self.
I look forward to this meeting in dijon. I so often walk away from the
beaten path, especially of my peers, and think it will do me some good to
spend some time amongst the dirty masses. I have said so many times i am
on this journey to be re-inspired by the radical work out there but won’t
ever be if i don’t allow myself space within it.
It’s been months since i embarked on this leg of my journey in life.
Ukraine, berlin, beograd, at least a month in each, almost two in beograd.
Sickness, heartbreak, fatigue, and in all that time, i’ve written barely a
word of these places, hardly a line of what i’ve learned and seen and
thought. A million words have surfaced of my emotional rollercoaster, all
sent as personal correspondence to loved ones, other then that, a block as
they say. Always i am thinking that perfect time is just ahead in which i
will finally get the space and time to relax and let it all out. The
words, the images; my creations of self that will finally make it all
understood and useful. Still though, no. someday, in sha’ allah.

But then i walk amongst the still white slushy snow on this quiet beograd
Sunday morning and feel the magic that overtakes me. The feeling that
pushes me to walk forever down these unknown streets until i find the
source. Always though, as if a child, the cold or hunger or frustration
seeps in causing me to return to my home of the moment without the source
found. It’s unobtainable, i know in my rational mind, yet my life is
focused on reaching this thing i think is only so far out of my reach. On
those night when my adult, mature side peeks through i understand that
this chase is fruitless and rest my soul knowing that no matter what i do,
run through life burning with fire or sitting on the couch reading a book,
life is life.